Kerry/Edwards first appearance

Somebody tell me for what is Kerry Edwards running? Go look for the actual sign if you're curious.

So, I was getting ready for work yesterday morning and FNC was broadcasting the Kerry and Edwards families’ first “impromptu” public appearance. I had been kind of down lately about the Presidential race because it seems to have been a big Kerry love-fest, but I can honestly say I feel much better about the situation of my party after observing that spectacle.

My first glance was of Senator Kerry's youngest daughter, Vanessa (cute girl BTW), tripping and almost busting her kiester across her stepmother’s luscious lawn. My thought was, well, if that had been Jenna or Barbara Bush losing her footing, that shot would have been the opening shot of every major news broadcast, including the voice-over of some pseudo-concerned looking hair-don’t spouting in his best news reader voice something like “have the Bush girls taken their binge drinking to the campaign trail?” But I digress…

Let’s talk about these jokers putting themselves up for office. And doing it with a straight face, I might add. I have heard them referred to as “Flipper and Mop Top”. I think I prefer “Gigolo and Slip & Fall”. Nonetheless, those two are the most boring and uneventful, and yet utterly annoying 2 duds I've seen lately. And yes, I would say it is primarily because they’re basically Marxists, but I’m saving the issues discussion for another day. Today is just my first impression.

Every time John Kerry opens his mouth it is the voice of GRRAAAVE DAAAAANGER. How freakin’ annoying must that guy be in bed? Yucko, never mind. There’s enough loose wrinkly skin on him to make 4 monotone shouters in peril. And that makes for one crowded mattress full of jeopardy. Anyway, he couldn’t just have a casual convo with the gathering press…couldn’t just crack a joke, be at ease, enjoy himself. He thinks he conveys a Presidential image. He comes off like a cartoon. A very overly lined, overly shaded cartoon drawn by a cartoon artist with a doodling problem. Not...capable...of...any...levity...ever...UGH. I give up. John Kerry makes me exhausted.

On to Mr. Edwards. The next person who says he’s cute/sexy/youthful whatever is just getting smacked. The dude is 51 years old. He’s an adult, over a half a century even. He has a daughter out of college. He lost his right to “cuteness” or WTF-ever about 30 years ago. His hair looks detachable. That is not boyish charm. He has the permanent expression of a chicken watching a card trick. You may be able to snow 9 people too stupid to get out of jury duty into believing that you speak through an unborn baby, but I’m not convinced at this point you’re even talking through anything other than your own asshole. And I'm so tuned out and the time drags. What's up next?

I had never actually heard Mrs. Heinz-Kerry speak until this morning, and I can now say, without hesitation, that the American people will probably not warm up to that tragedy on any level. I know that she is not American born, which concerns me little, but I am curious as to her planet of origin. When she opens her mouth it sounds something like a cross between really bad fake French, and the Gabor sisters on 'ludes. Well, except she makes less sense than the Gabor sisters ever did. Apparently much to the surprise of its citizens, Pittsburgh is a complete slum and only Mrs. Heinz-Kerry has been working to “turn this place around”. Oh, and can somebody please tell me what in the hell is a “chicken walk”, because apparently she wants to take the whole country on one? Um, no thanks. I’m thinking that if this group actually got elected, while she’s taking us on a chicken walk, her husband’s administration would be taking us for a ride. And I have learned that apparently, Botox does wear out. Her face looked like somebody dumped a tub of Crisco in the sun, just let it melt, and finished it off with a giant pair of wax lips. I heard some reporter say she was sexy, too. And perhaps, she is...on her planet of origin.

Mrs. Edwards, on the other hand, was almost refreshing. I would say of the group of 4, she was the most normal. Tubby, dumpy, frumpy, and extremely abrasive, I had visions of Manhattan rude meets smokin' Lulu in her muu muu with her 12 kids on pad 4 in the most wooded area of the West Virginia trailer lot. All she was missing was her house coat, her hair rollers, her fifth of Mad Dog, and a carton of filterless Camels under her left arm. She was probably keeping that forearm on the ready for use later on anybody between her and the brunch buffet. And, I’m not necessarily knocking here because, as I said, she was the best of the lot. Representing a very hefty cross section of America isn’t a bad thing, except maybe less hefty and better groomed would have been a better thing for the national media.

In the final analysis, “Flush the Johns” seems to fit. Needless to say, this viewing allowed me to start my day with a little spring in my step. If this is the best the donks have to offer, maybe they just should've stayed home. It isn't like any of the Democrat party leadership needs the money.


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