Excuses

So, apparently, the donks are going with the evil influence of undisclosed money and the pernicious influence of Citizens United as the reasons they're gonna get pasted come Tuesday. Frankly, that's a bunch of horseshit. If money was the be-all end-all of political influence, Michael Huffington would be a Senator from California, Jon Corzine would still be running New Jersey, and Meg Whitman will get elected Governor out in California on Tuesday. (I may still get surprised on that last one, but I bet not.) In fact, since the donks have outspent the efenants this cycle, they'd win. Keep this in mind the next time someone calls for campaign finance reform, please.

Since we've disposed of at least one canard the donks are trying to use, I'd like to be helpful and offer some other excuses they might make. They'll all be about as valid as the current line of crap they're peddling. So, for any donk politicians reading, here are some possible answers to the inevitable question: Why did you lose the election?

• My campaign staff was unfocused due to a constant barrage of chicken attacks.
• I suffered from food poisoning.
• I would have gotten away with it except for those meddling kids!
• I have a genetic disposition towards sub-optimal performance.
• In retrospect, I shouldn't have used monkeys with darts instead of conducting actual polls.
  
• The sun was in my eyes.
• Rabbits hacked my laptop.
• I accidentally channeled the spirit of Ronald Reagan instead of FDR during my campaign appearances.
• The Large Hadron Collider has rewritten the causality of the universe, causing my defeat.
• I've angered the gods of Olympus.
• Ninjas and/or pirates stole my votes.
• I've been drunk the entire campaign.
• I apparently did not specify which election I would win when I made my pact with Satan.
• The voters were too stupid/lazy/drunk/misinformed/apathetic/stoned to realize my opponent is actually an extra-terrestrial.
• Hamsters.
• The election board refused to put my nickname, "Stud Muffin", on the ballot.
• An evil scientist controlled the minds of the electorate with his Votinator device.
• Sunspots destroyed the integrity of the electronic voting machines.
• I sacrificed chiclets to the loa when I should have been sacrificing chickens.
• I misread my horoscope.

All I ask is that if you use one of my excuses, you drop me an email with a link to a transcript or video of the press conference. Thanks.

Surefire Movie Idea

So, as I browse my morning links I run across a story about bears in Russia eating corpses. If this isn't tailor-made for a zombie film "based on a true story", I don't know what is.

The bears eat the corpses. The bears turn into zombies, infecting the living. Soon, the north of Russia is crawling with zombies, bears, and zombie bears. Our intrepid heroes venture in to try to stop the apocalypse. Hijinks and horror ensues. Next, a burst of cleansing nuclear fire as the Soviets attempt to sterilize the outbreak. We end with a single zombie bear shambling off into the woods away from the blast zone.

I mean, c'mon, you have to set up a sequel if it does well.

Colander Cheese

So, Saturday was our annual pilgrimage to the Texas Renaissance Festival. As usual, we walked around, drank copious amounts, ate fried foods, and bought home decor. Now I have to figure out how to mount swords in the art niches in the rotunda.

As a new feature this year, the RenFest will sell you a bottle of wine so as you wander aimlessly you can swill wine. J took advantage of the offer and spent most of the day sipping on Chocovine. I remained resolute in my desire to drink beer, so she got out of there far cheaper for the day on drinks.

As usual, I wore my shirt giving out free fashion advice to the sartorially challenged. The staff working the RenFest tends to like my shirt. The other patrons? Not so much. The shirt also led to the best line of the day: "I now know what 30 pounds of cottage cheese in a colander looks like."

Also amusing was the young gentleman who wants all of you to know: a bodice is not a shirt. Please wear a shirt, any shirt, under your bodice. Nobody wants to see me in a bodice, shirt or not, but I pass this information along regardless.

We also learned there is a RenFest outside of Austin. We will be examining our schedules and seeing if we can make that work. After all, we drive to Waxahachie every year for Scarborough. Surely we can make it to Austin for a day.

We may go back. So if you're at TRF later this season and see some drunk guy in a kilt wearing a snide t-shirt, it just might be me.

Political Apocalypse

Well, this is a reversal of the usual order of things. A majority of the voters polled by Rasmussen agree with me on a political question. To wit: anybody that voted for some of the more odious acts of the last two years needs to be unelected.

Usually, when I find myself on the side of the majority in American politics, I start to question my premises. For once, I have no need to do so.

Shock The Vote 2010

So, early voting in Montgomery County starts today. Get your vote on here, if you are inclined to vote early.

As always, I will try to convince you of the correct way to vote. Based on historical evidence and election results, most of you will ignore me. Whether or not that's good is subject to debate. I will point out things wouldn't be any worse had you followed my advice.

My rules of thumb this year: vote against the incumbent and against donks. Now, this may not leave you much to vote for, but many races in Montgomery County have alternate selections (read that as LP) on the ballot. Review and consider your choices.

I'm going to highlight a few notable races and leave you to exercise my rules on the rest. First off is US Representative for District 8. Kevin Brady is the incumbent. Kevin Brady voted for TARP, therefore he should get sent home to contemplate his sins. I'm reasonably sure Kent Hargett will be no better on the subject of fiscal restraint. I know a lot of hardcore efenants have problems with libertarians in general and the LP in specific. However, if you send back to Congress anybody who voted for TARP, next time push comes to shove they'll spend another couple hundred billion dollars of your money. I can guarantee any libertarian that manages to get into office ain't voting for half the stupid crap the efenants and donks have managed to pass off as necessary. Vote for Bruce West.

Next up: Governor of the State of Texas. Vote for Rick Perry again, and keep getting what you've been getting. Sweet. Vote for Bill White and get yet another donk with no concept of fiscal restraint and a penchant for interesting accounting. There's a great idea, on both counts. Again, I advise you all to try LP.

I will now take a moment to advise you on the tactical issue of voting LP. If you efenants in the audience really do feel like a donk may win in a close race, feel free to vote GOP yet again. I only want you to do so in the full and certain knowledge the GOP will not change if you do. If you continue to vote for the GOP when they misbehave, they'll continue to misbehave. A sharp uptick in the LP numbers will send a signal to the GOP that something is wrong, and they need to recalibrate. Incentives matter, and the GOP needs to learn they can get unelected right quick if they continue to be the party of less big government.

Moving slightly further down ballot, David Dewhurst can choke on a bucket of fail. I'd like to say I don't care who is the Lt. Governor as long as ain't him, but I'd be lying. There's a Green Party candidate in this race. A dead weasel is a better choice for elected office than anyone who runs as a Green.

Most of the other down ballot races I'm not incensed enough to berate you over. I note CISD has several positions open, and they are contested. Here's the relevant summaries if you live in CISD.

As always, be kind to your poll workers and if you don't bother to educate yourself, stay home.

The Right Choice

I'm sure most everyone remembers the cavalcade of criticism when Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize last year. In fact, we participated in it ourselves. Our opinion that the prize is a sort of sick joke has not changed much.

However, I find myself agreeing with Nick Gillespie that this year's choice for the prize plays up just what a bad joke last year's award was. Liu Xiaobo is out there trying to reform a government that has proven capable of slaughtering thousands engaged in non-violent protest. What he's doing takes far more courage than anything our current president has ever done.

Here's the statement he made upon being sentenced to 11 years in jail for "subversion of the state". Personally, it's a hell of lot more inspiring than anything the n00b ever said.