2010/10/27

Excuses

So, apparently, the donks are going with the evil influence of undisclosed money and the pernicious influence of Citizens United as the reasons they're gonna get pasted come Tuesday. Frankly, that's a bunch of horseshit. If money was the be-all end-all of political influence, Michael Huffington would be a Senator from California, Jon Corzine would still be running New Jersey, and Meg Whitman will get elected Governor out in California on Tuesday. (I may still get surprised on that last one, but I bet not.) In fact, since the donks have outspent the efenants this cycle, they'd win. Keep this in mind the next time someone calls for campaign finance reform, please.

Since we've disposed of at least one canard the donks are trying to use, I'd like to be helpful and offer some other excuses they might make. They'll all be about as valid as the current line of crap they're peddling. So, for any donk politicians reading, here are some possible answers to the inevitable question: Why did you lose the election?
  • My campaign staff was unfocused due to a constant barrage of chicken attacks.
  • I suffered from food poisoning.
  • I would have gotten away with it except for those meddling kids!
  • I have a genetic disposition towards sub-optimal performance.
  • In retrospect, I shouldn't have used monkeys with darts instead of conducting actual polls.
  • The sun was in my eyes.
  • Rabbits hacked my laptop.
  • I accidentally channeled the spirit of Ronald Reagan instead of FDR during my campaign appearances.
  • The Large Hadron Collider has rewritten the causality of the universe, causing my defeat.
  • I've angered the gods of Olympus.
  • Ninjas and/or pirates stole my votes.
  • I've been drunk the entire campaign.
  • I apparently did not specify which election I would win when I made my pact with Satan.
  • The voters were too stupid/lazy/drunk/misinformed/apathetic/stoned to realize my opponent is actually an extra-terrestrial.
  • Hamsters.
  • The election board refused to put my nickname, "Stud Muffin", on the ballot.
  • An evil scientist controlled the minds of the electorate with his Votinator device.
  • Sunspots destroyed the integrity of the electronic voting machines.
  • I sacrificed chiclets to the loa when I should have been sacrificing chickens.
  • I misread my horoscope.
All I ask is that if you use one of my excuses, you drop me an email with a link to a transcript or video of the press conference. Thanks.

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3 Comments:

Blogger rctlfy said...

"Since we've disposed of at least one canard the donks are trying to use" How so? If you have an cretin running, I agree that they are no less idiotic when they run for office but they can be "prettied up" to a certain extent.

My concern is for those who cannot afford to run. Campaign reform orientated in the direction of the citizen politician would be a step for less government, and in fact Libertarian.

An interesting parallel can be found in journalism. There was a time that the media was tightly controlled, and opinion reflected only the two major parties (which explains why I never even heard of libertarians until last year!) With the advent of citizen journalism, AKA blogs, information, and more importantly POV's on any topic is available.

"I've been drunk the entire campaign." is hardly a negative. You know drunks like to sleep it off, and would likely not make it to a vote. I'd advise them to make it their campaign slogan and their song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqhjDAWJr4s

12:31 PM  
Blogger T said...

The canard I was referring to was the "outside money caused our defeat" line the Democrats have been preemptively peddling. It's not the election money, it's the policies.

Reduce the scope and influence of the federal government, and you reduce the campaign expenditures associated with federal office. Nobody spends 140 million of their own money to get elected dogcatcher.

Ted Kennedy is the counterexample for drunks in Congress being harmless. Maybe if Prop 19 passes, Cali will elect some potheads and we'll see if they're less harmful than drunks.

1:48 PM  
Blogger rctlfy said...

I actually thought of good old dead Ted, but he had the swollen with cash handicap/advantage. I'd love to see a regular gal/guy make a splash with no financial backing. The citizen candidate is not likely without removing strict financial, and legal consequences, ergo reform. BTW, I used your drunk quote on my blog http://rctlfy.wordpress.com/2010/10/29/301/ Thanks, it was my morning laugh.

Nobody spends 140 million of their own money to get elected dogcatcher. So true, but they also don't spend 140 million of other peoples' money for fun either. I've been toying with the idea of writing an article about why politicians are so damned lucky with investing or how I went into politics in debt/broke but left a multi-millionaire on my government salary ...cause I was just damned lucky and wise with my investments.

2:28 PM  

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