DonkFest 2004: Day 2

Most of last night’s focus seemed to be on why socialism is good for America.  The one thing I kept wondering is whether these people live in the same country I do.  Because where I live, not everybody is poor, and people generally get along.  Here are the high points from my mental notes of the evening.

James Forbes

Get the black reverend to call Bush a liar, so is that attack by proxy?  Is it just me or should we perhaps place our men of the cloth a little higher than political attack dog?  Oh, sorry, I forgot.  Donks don’t place our country’s reverends in very high regard at all…unless they’re bringing in the money or the votes.

Sponge Ted Drunk Pants (a.k.a. Teddy Kennedy)

He seemed to have lost his fake wanna-be pretentious Nor’eastern accent.  His English was actually understandable, so where does the accent go when he’s trying to make a good impression?  It is probably backstage with a fifth of Jack.  I hold to my opinion; however that he should avoid jokes about Boston Harbor, or any other body of water.  I also learned that he has apparently never visited a suburb because he can't pronounce the word.  At least “nuc-u-lar” is 3 syllables.  Another subject to avoid:  any discussion of "special privileges for a few", since he is their self-appointed King.  He speaks and I am still amazed that any Donk will talk civil rights when more Democrats voted against the Civil Rights Act than Republicans, including Al Gore’s racist Papa.  And yes, the Republicans were the ones who integrated military, and voting for that matter.  T asked which of the people on stage at the end was his bartender.  Good question.  I tried to find out, but Mary Jo Kopechne was unavailable for comment.

Cut to Interlude with bumper music from felons!  Must give props to the constituent base, I guess.

Tiny Dicky Gephardt

You know they’re lacking issues when they’re dredging up the Great Depression…yet again.  Hoover ain’t on the ballot, Dicky.  He stated “Kerry will take on terrorists where they live.”  Because Bush is currently allowing them to attack us at home?  Hey, has anybody seen any eyebrows?  And yet he provides us with another mention of Vietnam.  Every single one of these people has to throw out Kerry’s  very questionable Vietnam record. Note to self:  start drinking game.  Any mention of Kerry’s Vietnam record gets a drink.  Only drink malt beverage for this one, as you have to get up for work tomorrow.  Dick-o then states that Kerry has been a leader in the Senate this year.  He led them out the door, maybe.  You have to show up to play, Dick, Kerry hasn’t.  My favorite Gephardt quote, “words can be cheap in an election year”. Yours especially, as they weren’t worth enough to get you the nomination.  If words are so cheap, can somebody tell me why did this gabfest cost $50 million? I am still looking for any sign of eyebrows.  He closed with “May guid shine on America?” Who in the hell is guid?   One more note:  his wife is named Jane.  I wonder if Dick & Jane have a dog, Spot?

Tom Daschle

Did anybody notice that his intro music was “Mr. Big Stuff”?  He’s somewhere in the 5’2” range.  That is cruel.  “Short People” might’ve been more appropriate.  He announces that “I will be driving town to town”.  T finishes that sentence with, “encouraging non-existent people to vote.”  I said, “trying to convince my constituents that the socialist crap I spew in the national arena is all an act.”  Lil’ Tommy has a lot of imaginary friends.  I am hoping they fail to show up at the polls this year. He then prattles about a “thread that binds South Dakotans.”  What is that thread?  A healthy respect for cold, and boredom?  He then said “America isn't asking for special treatment?” Since when? The donks are a collection of special interests.  He also mentioned doing right by America.  In South Dakota, that means voting Tommy out of office.  Apparently, John Kerry fought along side him for a full accounting of POW/MIA.  I am thinking this is a surprise to their families too.

What is middle class squeeze?  This ended up being a recurring theme during the night.  Is that the Donk euphemism for “the middle class is actually poor?”  The rest of us don’t understand your talking points, define them.  And they all need to shut up about Enron & Halliburton already.  Two words: Global Crossing.  Two more:  no traction.  Another recurring theme during the night, which seemed to begin here, was the fact that every American deserves “Congress’ health benefits”.  I will be doing some research on what those are and why they’re so choice.  Also according to Tom, Kerry, apparently, is going reduce our dependence on foreign oil.  How will Mr. 50 cent-tax-per gallon be doing that exactly?  He voted against drilling in ANWR.

Carol Mosely Braun

The one thing that really got my attention during her speech was her mention of the ERA.  Did anybody know that was an issue in this year’s race?  Where in the hell did that come from?  I officially call upon Phyllis Schlafly to kick her ass.  I figure if Mrs. Schlafly can smack down the entire militant feminist movement the first time, this ignut should be a breeze.

Howard Dean

Another disappointment.  He never came unglued.  That is the only reason why he’s even mildly interesting.  He did, however, express his very fine grasp on geography…once again…but without the YAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!!!  About which, I am still disappointed .  He said something about being proud to be a Democrat while he was reciting last night’s geography homework.  Notice he didn’t say the "L" word (liberal).  None of them, to this day, will claim that one.  Oh, and despite what Howard says, nobody in Texas is a proud Democrat.  Donks in Texas are like cockroaches and diarrhea:  we know they’re here, they stink, they’re annoying, and we don’t like them…so we just don’t discuss it.  Don’t believe me?  Ask any state-wide Democrat office holder in Texas. 

Christie Vilsack

Note to Christie:  Midwestern accent overpowers any message you might have had.  You’re barely English-literate, hon.  A speech lesson from Snoop-Dogg might do you some good.

Janet Napolitano

More socialism from the state of Arizona.  Geez, I thought John McCain was bad.  This woman is a tragedy, so it  be something in the beautiful AZ desert air.  Grandma choosing between meds and food is tired.  Lose it.

Barack Obama

You know, this guy was the almost not wrong thing about this deal.  It made me wonder if he accidentally showed up at the wrong convention.  Had a few socialist themes, but seems basically only a little more liberal on the economic issues than President Bush.  Good stress on hard work.  He was a pretty effective speaker, I think, and did a pretty good job.  Probably shouldn’t be in this thread.  Oh well, he was there so he stays.

Ron Reagan

This abomination was the 2nd most wrong thing about the evening.  This coward, poseur, twerp didn’t have the nerve to show himself around Donkville while father was still alive, but doesn’t even wait until the body gets cold to speak at their convention.  Ron should be ashamed of himself to so inflame the collective grief of this country by exploiting the death of his father and the pain of his mother.   Aside from all that, He should really stick to the dog shows because his science was wrong...all freakin’ wrong.  Adult stem cells show promise, fetal ones don’t.  Anybody with a buck, Ron, can fund stem cell research.  Mrs. Heinz-Kerry could certainly afford it.  There was research (and art for that matter) before government funding.
One more thing Dog boy…stem cell research isn’t running for anything and it isn’t a choice on the ballot; although, if it was, I am sure it is a better choice than John Kerry.

Ilana Wexler

We’re waiting for her to be kidnapped by people claiming to be her parents so that Daddy Warbucks can come and save her...oh, wrong venue?  But honestly, all I can say is that she started “Kids for Kerry” to get somebody to talk to her poor little ugly self.  The Donks should stop exploiting ugly people period, especially the chirr-uns.  It’s just not nice.  Maybe Bill Clinton could do this little one a public service and phone up Jocelyn Elders with a request to provide this kid with some handy masturbation tips.  In a few years, she’ll need them.

Chris Heinz

He loves his Mama, and that is so nice.  I love my Mama too.  I’m not on TV saying so, but I would if I could.   Note to Chris:  your Dad was a Republican.  His Dad had little stomach for John Kerry, so I say Chris should love his Dad too and leave the stage.

Teresa Heinz Kerry

I think of all the BS I listened to last night, this had to possibly be the worst.  She gets the #1 wrong of the night booby prize.  This stone-faced narcissist completely lost me.  I have no idea what in the hell she was going on about, and she couldn’t keep my attention enough to care.  She was talking so slowly, I am convinced that her actual written speech was only about a half a page.  I was trying to figure out if she was too stupid or drunk to read the prompter, thinks we’re too stupid to understand her bad fake-thick accent, or had over Botoxed herself to the point that her face was too paralyzed to talk.  I heard one of the pundits mention that “women just get her”.  Um, no we don’t. 

Imam Yahya Hendi
I said it before and I’ll say it again.  Invocations and Benedictions are pointless to this Godless bunch.  Not only did this guy just keep going and going and going, people were rude enough to leave while he was talking.  I guess you don’t have to care when it isn’t your God, right?

More fun tomorrow…if I can only make it through.


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