DonkFest 2004: Day 3

With the exception of Al Sharpton, the festivities were a complete snore (Admittedly, I missed crazy Uncle Dennis).  I’ll get to what I could stay awake for later, but I wanted to begin with what I think is one of the more interesting and yet suspiciously underreported events of the DonkFest:  what is going on outside.  Apparently, the DNC has opted to finally demonstrate to the world once and for all what it really thinks of free speech and dissent in this country, by relegating all of the barking moonbats to pens, surrounded by fences topped with razor wire.  The only semi-adequate pictures of the unfortunately named “free speech zones” I could find are here.  It will be interesting to see how the RNC handles the protester-class.
The one factor these descriptions and photos can’t convey is the noise, which I caught this morning on FNC’s Fox & Friends.  E.D. Hill went over to speak with the unwashed and unemployed, and you could barely hear the interviews over the constant humming of the generators and air conditioning units.  It appears that the party who bashes Israel for building a fence to protect itself from whackos who blow themselves up and kill Israeli kids sees no hypocrisy in  building a cage to protect itself from whackos who sing, act like asses, and shoot urine through water guns.  I guess violence is all relative. 

There are only 2 speakers about whom I’ll comment, Al Sharpton and John Edwards.  This is mainly because most of the speakers did little else but provide fluff space, or just dredge up the same tired old themes they have been using since the 1920’s.  Also, it was just a big snorefest.  It was so bad that Sharpton and Edwards were the only two speeches that actually shut the delegates up.  They continued to talk over everybody else.  And, the only reason why I’m even acknowledging Edwards is because he was supposed to be the main event.  He wasn’t.

Al Sharpton
The Democrat party is chock full of these churchless reverends; but of the group, Mr. Sharpton is by far the most entertaining.  Even though you might agree with nothing he has to say, he makes you want to listen to him.  He has been the only speaker of this entire week who didn’t hide his true nature.  He is nuts, but he rambled his mind very energetically, and for that, I suppose he deserves a cookie.  Perhaps his mind should just STFU.  Nonetheless, here are the major themes from his speech.

1.        Bush has brought martial law to America.  That was news to me.

2.        Kerry is the only choice for President.  Screw you George Bush, Ralph Nader, and Michael Badnarik, we’re going Communist, and Castro, er I mean Kerry is your only choice!

3.        More dreck about unilateral foreign policy.  I’ll still take the British & Australians over the French & Germans any day.

4.        Because we did choose the British & Australians over the corrupt chicken French & Germans, everybody hates us.   Given who the Donks seem to think are our allies, this makes me very happy.

5.        BUSH LIED!!!!!!!  I thought Al was an expert on the subject of lying, but Tawana Brawley was unavailable for comment.

6.        We went to war even though we had record state deficits.  I was surprised to learn that Democrats are taking the position that record state deficits are somehow a federal responsibility.   

7.        The Supreme Court will kill us all!  I just can’t get a picture in my head of tiny little Ruth Bader Ginsburg wielding a machete, chasing fat Al through the streets, and hacking him into pieces.  I am trying, but it is hard.

8.        Bush is a racist.  Some quip about how if Bush had been President blah, blah, blah, Clarence Thomas would’ve never been allowed in law school.  It is that old Civil Rights theme again.  I’ve already been there, not going back.

9.        Reparations…why black people want reparations and where the topic came from.  We didn’t get our 40 acres and a mule, so we’ll “ride this donkey” as far as it will take us.  So far Al, that donkey has been ridden into the ground.  Government policies and programs have been so helpful to the black community.  And I promise right here, and right now Al, that I will take up arms and fight for reparations on behalf of any individual who was actually a slave prior to the Emancipation Proclamation.  You have my word on it!  Consider the black community paid in full, given that more than the fair market value of 40 acres and a mule has been paid out over time in welfare, benefits, and other programs. 
I must add here though, it is the first time I saw Je$$e Jack$on clap during the entire convention.  I think Je$$e’$ been feeling a bit bitter because the DNC has a quota of one race-baiting churchless reverend speech per convention.  Maybe 2008 will be your year again, Je$$e!

10.     Al’s vote is not for sale.  I think he was also purporting to speak for the black community here.  Hey Al:  I see the price tag hanging under your armpit.  AL LIED!
11.     Some business about not having to be a gangster and a hoodlum to get into the political process.  Seems to have worked well for Al!

Of course I can’t bring up the “Reverend” Sharpton without pointing out for the umpteenth time, that one of the many fundamental differences that raises the Republican Party above the whacky Donks is the Republicans’ ability to identify and reject its loony fringe.  Republicans give the “get lost” to David Duke; Democrats hand Al Sharpton a speaking role at their convention.

And now to John Edwards
I was actually looking forward to seeing this, because I had never really gotten a long look at the guy, and I’ve never heard him give a speech.  I have learned from my experience that I will probably never watch him again.  He is distractingly ugly.  I couldn’t watch him for more than a couple of sentences at a time.  He has some kind of large flesh colored mole (or maybe it’s a cyst, or a boil?) right over the left corner of his mouth.  When he speaks, it wiggles around like the fetus growing out of Nurse Gollum’s  head (Scroll down for Nurse Gollum).  

Not helping Edward's appearance problem is the way he contorts his face when he speaks, pulling his mouth, and his other odd facial features to the right, so the thing on his lip seems to showcase itself for a close up.  Mr. Edwards also has this very annoying habit of running his tongue across the inside his mouth (predominantly on the left side of his mouth) and flicking it in double and triple time against his lip.  He also has numerous facial ticks, including extremely hard blinking and twitching.  I mean, you can throw your message out there, twitchy, but you can’t make me buy it.

Another problem he has is that he should not smile.  This is a difficult action to ask of any politician, but he should not do it.  His eyes squint upward and his mouth takes on a V shape.  He just looks very smarmy.  T commented that the look is reminiscent of that of a car salesman when he tells you that he has to go and talk to the sales manager.   Yeah, picture that one in your head.  It’s not pretty.  Add insult to injury, the speech made me sleepy, but here’s what I took away from it.

He loves his wife, he loves his parents, he grew up poor, and John Kerry is a good guy.  John Kerry served in Vietnam after all.  Did you know that John Kerry served in Vietnam?  John Kerry’s a hero because he volunteered.  Yes, Moley Moley Moley, we know...JOHN KERRY SERVED IN VIETNAM...now move on already. 

So what’s next?  Oh, yes, negative attacks suck.  I think Mr. Edwards should tell George Soros and his merry band of 527’s to stop it then.  Oh, I think he was talking about Republicans.  Anytime those bad, bad wascally Weepubleecans mention John Kerry’s Senate voting record, it is a negative attack.  John, honey, that would be because both your Senate record and John Kerry’s are horrid. Wonder why everybody this week has beaten to death Mr. Kerry’s 4 months in Vietnam but not his 3 and some odd decades in the Senate?  The record is why… “Aren’t you sick of it,” he asks.  Well yes, yes, I am sick of both of you twits.  And I am only patient because I know you’ll be gone in November.

Back to the speech…did Mr. Edwards mention that he grew up poor?  Well he did you know, and he wants you to know all of the details of it.  He wants to tell you about how his parents worked hard, and how he worked hard, and even though he did it without government intervention, you can’t possibly do it for yourself.  Why?  Because there are two freakin’ Americas, of course.  There’s the one where he and John Kerry live, where you can marry or sue your way to wealth; and the other one, where the rest of us live, where we are too stupid to earn our way and learn from our mistakes.  We must neeeeeeed the government.  Never mind that you may be in the top 50% wage bracket in this country; if you make poor decisions and blow all your money on whores and smack, it isn’t fair and you still deserve to be successful.  The government, not you, makes wealth and success.

Our high school kids are also apparently too good to be making minimum wage because nobody can buy $300 Nikes on that, so we need to raise the minimum wage in this country.  I am trying to figure out how high the minimum wage is supposed to be to make these socialists stop whining.  I also want to know how that adolescent making $150,000 an hour is going to manipulate that wheel barrow full of cash down to the foot locker to afford those $48,000,000 shoes.  Oh, but I forgot, Donks refuse to acknowledge the fact that wages drive inflation, so those shoes should still cost $300 in their little economic vacuum/play world.   I guess I’m not supposed to understand how it all works because I’m part of that “too stupid to make it on my own” America.

Mr. Edwards also wants the government to “help” you pay for healthcare with more tax code manipulation.  I have a better idea, Mr. Edwards.  Why don’t you just refund the fees you “earned” from your medical malpractice awards?  That would go a much longer way to help the problem.   But no, you see, all that doesn’t matter, because children are starving and Americans are (still) racists and only the Super Johns can save them.

The nominee then attempted to distort his record on the Senate Intelligence Committee to show some kind of grasp on foreign policy, but since he doesn’t actually attend the meetings, he just has to make shit up.  He did try to be nice about our soldiers, but he doesn’t really support what they’re doing, so he has to square that discrepancy by continuing to make more shit up.  Maybe if he makes up enough shit, he can restore his credibility in the world.  Oh, no wait, actually he claimed that America has a credibility problem, but I know psychological projection when I see it.

So then after he proves his complete lack of understanding of foreign policy, he returns to proving his complete lack of understanding of domestic policy.  You know he grew up poor right?  Well everybody else in America is poor too.  All of us are freakin’ poor, dammit!  And apparently, we’re all calling some delegate who is currently in attendance at the DonkFest to tell them so.  John Edwards said that all the delegates are going to get phone calls, so wait by those phones now, ya hear!  And why are people going to call, you ask?  People will call these delegates to tell them that they’re eating dog food to afford their Viagra…and their kids don’t want to get a job to work their way through college, because even though they’re D students, they deserve to go to college for free.  And you know what?  “Help is on the way!”  Perhaps some Pepto might help me.

I guess I could’ve just summed up his whole speech with this one sentence:
America sucks and the Democrats want to lie to you about paying you out of the government coffers so you’ll vote for them. 

Of course, that is the entire Democrat platform reduced to one sentence.  See, now I just saved them all millions of dollars and a week of our time that we’ll never get back.  Now get out there and vote!!  I am serious, these jackasses get elected and we’re all doomed. 

And allow me to close today's report by saying thank you to the good Lord, it is almost over.


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