To Be A Good Liberal...

I have mentioned before that I have many liberal and/or Democrat friends, so you can imagine how many times I received an e-mail that was circulating a while back.  The thing had some pithy title called something like, “to be a Republican, you must believe…” and then there was a list of 15 or so seemingly contradictory items that are supposed to make Republicans look like idiots or hypocrites or something.  It wasn’t particularly well written or effective.

I did, however, find it odd that I hadn’t seen an equivalent for the RIGHT side of the argument.  So, I did a little research, found and received some good points, and watched the DonkFest, of course.  As a result of my studies, I have compiled a list of my own to share.  So, without further adieu, I present…

To Be A Good Democrat/Liberal/Socialist, You Must Believe…

Every religion should be respected and promoted in public schools the name of diversity, as long as that religion isn't Christianity.

Conservatives are racists, but black people couldn't make it without your help.

Standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

A man like Al Sharpton speaks for the inner city but a man like Charlton Heston speaks only for the crazed right wing.

Michael Moore, Noam Chomsky and Natalie Maines are perfectly qualified to criticize our leadership, but Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charlton Heston, and Dennis Miller are just ignorant political hacks.

Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.

Sexual harassment, groping and drug use are degenerate if you're the governor of California, but cool if you're the President of the United States.

A President who lies under oath deserves to be treated like a “rock star”, but a President who references sixteen words from the intelligence report of a trusted ally should be dragged through the streets naked.

Proven draft-dodging is irrelevant, but a baseless claim of AWOL status is crucial to national security.

It’s perfectly acceptable to enter the White House homeless and almost financially worthless, and 8 years later leave the White House a millionaire.

The commission of many felonies while in office, including lying under oath to a grand jury, doesn’t rise to the level of impeachment, but landing on an aircraft to visit with our servicemen and women does.

The stock market crash under a Democrat administration’s watch didn’t affect the economy, but the resulting modest recession under a Republican administration becomes the “worst economy since the Great Depression.”

The free market that gives us 500+ television channels can't deliver the quality that PBS does.
The same government that can't deliver the mail on time can provide health care and internet service to all Americans.

The only reason socialism hasn't worked everywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

"It Takes a Village" means everything you want it to mean...except creeping socialist government involvement in the nuclear family.

Socialized medicine is the ideal. Never mind all those people who spend every dime they have to get to the United States so they can get quality medical care...care that their nation's socialized medical community can't provide.

Drug addiction is a disease that should be treated with compassion and understanding...unless the addict is a Conservative talk show host.

Second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.

The AIDS virus is really spread by a lack of funding.

There was no art or scientific research before federal funding.

Government should relax drug laws regardless of the potential for abuse, but should pass new and un-Constitutional anti-gun laws because of the potential for abuse.

Sex education should be required so that teens can make informed choices about sex, but gun education should be banned because it will turn those same teens into maniacal mass-murderers. 

"The People" in the First Amendment means the People; "the People" in the Fourth Amendment means the People; "the People" in the Ninth Amendment means the People; "the People" in the Tenth Amendment means the People; but "the People" in the Second Amendment (ratified in 1791) means the National Guard (created by an Act of Congress in 1903).

Disarming innocent, law-abiding citizens helps protect them from evil, lawless terrorists and other thugs.

John Lott's research on how gun ownership reduces crime is junk science, but Michael Bellesiles is still an authority on why gun control is good (even though he was forced to resign from Emory due to research misconduct over his book "Arming America").

The NRA is bad because it defends certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it defends certain parts of the Constitution.

Guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Red Chinese.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning Second Amendment rights and shopping the courts for judges sympathetic to causes that wouldn't pass in any legislature.

Hunters don't care about nature, but pesky activists who have never been outside Seattle do.

Calls for increased security after a terrorist attack are "political opportunism," but calls for more gun control after a criminal's spree killing is "a logical solution."

The Patriot Act is a horrific compromise of Constitutional rights, but anti-Second Amendment laws and Franklin Roosevelt's Presidential Order 9066 must be regarded "reasonable precautions."

Minorities are blameless for the hatred of the racist; women are blameless for the hatred of the rapist; but America is entirely at fault for the hatred of Islamo-fascists.

Poverty is the cause of all terrorism...which is why the leaders of al Qaeda are typically U.S.-educated and were raised in wealth and luxury.

Refusal by Bill Clinton to take custody of Osama Bin Laden cannot be accepted as a contributor to the events of 9/11.

 The United States should be subservient to the United Nations. Our highest authority is not God and the U.S. Constitution, but a collective of tin-pot dictators, their appeasers, and the U.N. charter.

When the Chinese embassy, some empty mud huts in Afghanistan, and a pharmaceutical plant in Sudan are bombed, we’re defending US interests; but when we bomb terrorist camps, we’re an aggressor.

We should unquestioningly honor the wishes of our age-old allies, even when said allies no longer act like our allies and have vested economic interests in propping up our enemies.
Bush's toppling the Saddam regime was a "diversion," but Clinton's lobbing a couple of cruise missiles at Iraq in the thick of the Lewinsky sex scandal was "sending a message."

Awarding Halliburton a no-bid contract in Yugoslavia is good, but awarding Halliburton a no-bid contract in Iraq is bad.

Clinton’s statements that Saddam has nukes are based upon the best intelligence we had at that time.  Bush’s statements that Saddam has nukes, based on the same intelligence, are lies.

$77 billion spent on a war for regime change in Serbia, which is still a hell hole, is a noble cause; but $87 billion spent on war for regime change in Iraq, which is rebuilding a civilized society, is reckless.

Bombing Christian Serbs on behalf of Muslim Albanian terrorists is good, but the liberation of 25 million Muslims from a genocidal dictator is bad.

Mass graves in Serbia are worthy of US action, but mass graves in Iraq are not.

One US President says that there are mass graves in Serbia, and the US should send troops.  All Western intelligence states that WMD are in Iraq, the US should not send troops.  When no mass graves are found in Serbia, it was an honest mistake, but when WMDs are found in Iraq, we cover it up and claim the US President lied about them being there.

It is fine that the Serbs who committed atrocities are still free, but the fact that Saddam is in custody is a violation of his rights.

When Haiti is invaded and Serbia is attacked without UN approval, congressional support, or public backing, we’re defending US interests; but when Iraq is invaded with UN approval and overwhelming congressional and popular support, we’re acting unilaterally and alienating our allies.

The best way to support our troops is to criticize their every move. This will let them know they're thought of often.

Trial lawyers who destroy businesses and increase our cost of living are selfless heroes; but doctors who work to save lives every day, despite the fears of being sued for it, are overpaid.

Businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

Self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

Taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

Global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

We believe the First Amendment is unlimited, unless we want to prosecute somebody we don't agree with for not thinking like we do.

Slowly killing an unborn innocent by tearing it apart limb from limb is choice.  Slowly killing an innocent disabled woman by starving her to death is honoring her wishes.  Quickly killing terrorists, convicted murderers and rapists is murder and a violation of civil rights.

You support a woman's "right to choose" to kill her unborn child, but don't believe that same woman is competent enough to home school the children she bears.

The same public school idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

Threatening to boycott Dr. Laura's and Rush Limbaugh's advertisers is exercising Freedom of Speech, but threatening to boycott CBS's "The Reagans" and Liberal actors over their asinine anti-American remarks is censorship and McCarthyist blacklisting.

Hillary Clinton is really a lady and Janet Reno is not really a man.

Much credit is due to Jay Dyson, Paul Blezinger, and others.

And I reserve the right to update this regularly…


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