Fuck Green, Go Red

Why red, you say? Simple. It’s diametrically opposed to green on the color wheel. It is also the color of blood, which I am growing ever closer to spilling. I have been getting increasingly annoyed with advertisements chanting “Go Green” like some kind of deranged meditation aid. It is automatically assumed that I should go green because every douchebag hippie this side of Al Gore has suddenly managed to get a job in an ad agency and is trying to push environmentalism down my throat. My final straw tonight was when one of my credit card companies, trying to pretend they give a damn about the planet, humanity, or anything other than generating user fees and interest payments, informed me that if I would go green by opting for electronic statements I could win some underpowered bastard offspring of a weedwhacker and a rechargeable power tool masquerading as an automobile.

Well, if ConglomCoBank of Delaware thinks I need to receive less paper to save the planet, maybe they need to quit sending me special offers, balance transfer checks, and additional offers of prescreened credit. A simple step on their part would cut out about half the junk mail I receive on a weekly basis. Instead, they would like me to quit receiving the paper trail that lets me know if they’ve managed to fuck my account up. In return, I might win a hybrid automobile that would be much less useful to me than my current full-sized pickup truck and which I’d have to pay taxes on. I guess since I already subsidize their piss-poor behavior by using their products, asking me to continue to do so by making further ridiculous demands seems only natural from their standpoint. Pointing out that they, with no help on my part, could save a few boxes of paper a year by voluntarily cutting down on their direct mail marketing probably makes me some kind of ingrate.

How about all these fucking people quit trying to tell me to go green because all the little environmentalists imagined themselves a secular religion that equates pollution with sin? Come up with a reason for me to care beyond the endlessly inaccurate doommongering the hippies and their retarded greenie offspring have been spewing my entire life. Want me to go green? Explain to me how it’s going to make my life better today. I don’t care about preventing some hypothetical disaster in 50 years. I don’t care about how it’s going to make Ngomo, Urdlich, and Chang have a better life in which ever portion of the third world they inhabit. I don’t care that somebody’s grandkids will be able to drink the pure water flowing through the Houston Ship Channel. I want to know what it’s going to do for me, right fucking now. Until you can do that, have a nice cup of STFU.