Put Your Junk In A Cup

Truly, once you open the internet connection on your PC and fire up the web browser there’s no telling what kind of mysteries you’re going to find down the rabbit hole. Alice thought the stuff she saw was strange? Bitch got nothin’ on the Web.

J sent me a link to a fascinating document about an experiment conducted by some freak. I don’t mean to denigrate the contributions to scientific research the man has attempted to make… OK, I’m lying. I do mean to denigrate his contributions. And if you keep reading, you'll understand why he's a freak.

He wanted to measure the “force required for intromission with and without the benefit of the foreskin”. So of course, he felt the best way to do this would be to get someone (himself? The text is unclear) to stick their dick into a hole cut into the bottom of a styrofoam cup attached to a diet scale. I am saddened the illustration of the testing apparatus is not reproduced on the web. As funny as the description is, a picture would have been priceless comedy gold.

I can just imagine taking the lab tour:

Researcher: “And over here we have the cup we stick our junk into. Note the scales to check the force.”

Visitor: “Why is there a box of tissues and a tube of KY next to it?”

I’d also like to note the phrase “make an otherwise uncomfortable intromission comfortable.” So, you made sticking your wang into a styrofoam cup comfy? Truly, you have expanded the frontiers of human knowledge!

Upon reflection, I have to assume the researcher conducted the experiments with himself as the test subject. Otherwise, a whole host of factors would come into the picture. I can just imagine kicking the proposal up to the review committee. You want people to do what to what? Why? Uh-huh. Yeah, maybe it’s time for a sabbatical. Of course, the informed consent paperwork would be worth posting to the internet by itself. How exactly do you explain the risks of this procedure to the potential subject? Hell, what are the risks? Styrofoam lacerating your wedding tackle? A unit that stinks of long-chain polymers? And how would you go about finding research subjects? I can just picture some guy in a white lab coat standing on corner at a college campus.

Researcher: “Hey, buddy! Got a foreskin?”

Unsuspecting Student: “Umm… yeah?”

Researcher: “Great! How’d you like to poke your pecker into a Styrofoam cup so we can measure the force? It’s for science!”

Unsuspecting Student: hurries off.

My final cringe-inducing thought on the subject: the test subject needed an erection to do this correctly. Stick your hard-on into a cup for science! That’s a recruiting slogan to address the shortage of scientists and engineers in this country, isn’t it?