Resolute

It's the beginning of a shiny new year, filled with unanticipated disappointments and your old familiar regrets. I know many people make resolutions to do something, anything, to improve their life situation. I, on the other hand, am pretty damn wonderful the way I am and don't need to change except to possibly get more betterer. Anyhow, in the spirit of change and hope that permeates the very fabric of America, (smells like bullshit, incidentally), I have some suggestions for New Year's resolutions because frankly, some of y'all need to tighten the hell up, mmkay? These are ideal if you've already blown off the resolutions you made while drunk and/or hungover earlier this year. 

• Eat more beets. 
• Work less, procrastinate more. (I may have this one backwards. Check with a reputable advice columnist.) 
• Keep a dream diary to realize how disturbed your subconscious really is. 
• Stop feeding Ex Lax to toddlers, especially the ones that aren't yours. 
• Finish things, preferably with a cool Mortal Kombat style finishing move. 
• Quit accidentally stapling yourself to things. The company can't afford the staples. 
• Drink more or less caffeine, depending on how much you vibrate while at rest. 
• Stop selling used underwear on eBay to finance your buying-used-underwear habit. It's a vicious cycle that benefits no one. 
• Soap is not optional this year, bathdodger. 
• While you've probably given up on it already this year, lose some weight, lardo. 
• Practice a skill. Masturbation, by the way, is not a skill, despite what some of you seem to think. 
• Stop commenting on YouTube. 
• Get more tattoos. 
• Only be rude to people who deserve it.
• Quit shouting "Hey, cocksucker!" to get people's attention. While often accurate, it's still somewhat gauche. 
• Stay out of the left hand lane if you're not exceeding the speed limit.
• Don't refer to your genitalia in the third person. It's creepy and off-putting. 
• Pay your liquor store bill. Distillers and brewers have families, too, you know. 

While I am pretty near perfect, I admit I am planning on a few of these for the year. Which ones, I leave it up you to decipher.

 As long as we're on the subject, you might find this article from Cracked of some use if you really want to change for the better.

Old School Trolling

Back in the days before the intertubes took over the world, people were engaging in troll behavior. We just never called it that. The activity usually went by the name of screwing with people or playing mindfuck. Being an unpleasant human who has always found it amusing to screw with my fellow man, I've ended up knowing a lot of trolls.

I was reminded of one this morning. One of my friends in high school used to take family vacations to the beach every year. His father would walk down the beach and pick all the shark teeth he could see. Later, upon their return from the beach, his dad would scatter shark teeth all over the backyard in suburban northern Virginia. What made this even more amusing to a 16 year old was the stated motivation: someday, in the distant future, people would find a quantity of shark teeth in the hills of Virginia, miles away from any ocean, and try to figure out WTF happened.

This is obviously a man who planned his trolling well in advance. He'll probably never see the results of his work, but someday, somebody's going to find shark teeth and go "wait, what?". And all I can say to that is "Well done!"

Danger!

Apropos of nothing, here's a bit of comedy from my misspent youth.



I recommend the entire movie for your viewing pleasure.

Metric Football Finale

You may have noticed a distinct lack of World Cup blogging around here. That's because no one at YPS can be bothered to pay any attention to metric football. Neither can LabRat, but she's funnier than us on the subject:

World Cup: world’s most boring sport being totally ruined by world’s most irritating local tradition. World’s tallest midget protests.

We also give big props to anyone who uses the phrase "world's tallest midget", a frequently used idiom around the Manor. Let this be the final word on the subject until the World Cup rolls around again.

Unless, of course, the US manages to win the damn thing, in which case we will feel obligated to post something about Team America in between paroxysms of laughter.

Zombocalypse

So, in regards to the zombie apocalypse advice I passed along earlier, I would like to note that May is apparently Zombie Awareness Month. I only ask that you don't put a ribbon on your car for the occasion, since ribbon proliferation has run amuck and should be stopped. I hesitate to say force is necessary to stop the scourge of cause ribbons, but it may yet come to that.

Anyhow, Tam is back on Zombie Apocalypse this morning, and the good folks at Zombie Squad never leave the subject.

H/t to one of the others for the notification of Zombie Awareness Month.

I Have None

I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but Regretsy is my new favorite website.

Photographic Proof

Some time back, I posted on the strange career arc and transformation of Ice Cube. Somebody has done a lovely photo comparison about it. Looking gangsta there, Ice.

H/t to Radley Balko via his Twitter feed.

Bad Advertising

After a car rental with Thrifty, I still get emails from them announcing the glorious specials. Most of them end in my spam filter, so I don't care enough to unsubscribe. But one made it through today with a classic subject line:

Thrifty has got your savings right here

I bet you do. Do you have my savings hangin', too? Is everybody at Thrifty clueless?

Tasteful Cards

Okay, maybe not so much tasteful as funny. The fine folks at Bluntcard are full of mirth and good cheer to send your fellow man. Given recent discussions about Independence Day fireworks in our subdivision, I found this one particularly appropriate. Although to the best of my limited knowledge, no houses were destroyed during the festivities.

If you prefer something a little more subtle, because this isn't, perhaps you could try the folks at Someecards. Of course, this isn't all that subtle, either. Hmm.

Does Hallmark do e-cards? Maybe you can find good taste and subtlety there.

Too Soon?

For levity?

What, the guy dies and all of a sudden we're supposed to stop mocking him? Meh. The attention of the masses, however fickle, is part of the price you pay for fame. Don't want it? Settle down in Peoria and deliver the mail for a living.

Lifetime Decisions

Cracked has a pictorial lesson on what your tattoos mean. I notice some of mine aren't covered, either under content or location. Hmm. I guess I am a precious snowflake after all, albeit of the cute little convicted felon princess variety.

More seriously, the number of people walking around with tattoos of this isn't large, so it's not liable to come up much.

Magnetic

So, somebody at the NYT has written the most ironic sentence of the year, and possibly of the century.

There are cultural challenges, too. Can the government help turn around a company known for its bureaucratic approach to business?

The amount of clueless git involved in writing the paragraph is staggering, but magnets should attract the second sentence. I believe this is irony in the purest form around. Melt it down and use for pig iron, folks. It doesn't get any better than this.

Blowout, Denial

One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.

Inspiration.
Title.

Humorlessness

I'm clinging to the concept of "laugh or go mad", but the giggles are fewer and farther between these days. My sense of humor, bleak at the best of times, is currently being harrowed down to a black indestructible core. Pretty soon I'll be able to grin and laugh at the end of the world, which will probably come in handy real soon. So in an attempt to stave off my mostly inevitable descent into celebrating the failure of politics through high speed disassembly, I give you some random funny.

You did know nothing from your childhood is safe on the internet, right?

Some of the concepts here have merit, but most of them are taken well past the point of wretched excess. But really, isn't wretched excess quintessentially American?

The internet exists to spread dumb photos, doesn't it? Or is it porn? I can never remember. Why not both? (Last two links NSFW, probably)

No Wonder There's So Many Tourists

Today, in odd news, I learn that bestiality is not illegal in Florida. The previous statute was struck down for being overbroad. Wait, what? Somehow, I suspect I don't really want to know.

I also learned at least one Florida senator is a certifiable moron.

A Brief Tour of Selected Portions of This H’yar Internet

Should the need ever arise, here's how to get to Rikers Island, besides the obvious and inconvenient method.

Are you reading Girl Genius? No? Why the hell not?

Everything goes better with bacon.

Art! Money! Myth! Whatever it is, it's interesting and very well done.

And it's Friday, so I'm out. Have a good weekend, y'all.

Hell And All That

So, one of the other people in Dallas had a great idea: show up to a gun buy back and offer more money, in cash, than the city was offering. He also posted follow-up video here. Nicely played, sir. If Houston ever gets dumb like that, I'll certainly consider doing the same.

Random Friday Links

So, for your weekend enjoyment, a collection of odds and sods I dredged up from the intertubes today or earlier in the week.

Somebody must have dealt with people like the ones in my MBA program. The whole "I worked really hard so I deserve an A" mentality just grates on me. Guess what? You can work really hard at polishing a turd, but at the end of the day, you're still left with a turd.

We (both J and I) have similar disappointments in the family tree, so we can relate.

Tax increases will help the economy? Not so much. A co-author seems to have forgotten this bit of research, or can't explain it to her boss.

How's that Drug War bullshit working out for people? Pretty goddamned poorly, it appears. Somehow, I can't help but think I would've gotten sent to jail for much, much longer.

Sun'll Come Out

So, apropos of almost nothing, I note on 20 January 1649 Charles I of England went on trial for treason and other less specified high crimes. Bogarting the weed, maybe? He was executed 10 days later by having his 'ead whacked off in one blow.

In other history, here's an interesting piece on a Republican president who tried to stop a depression by spending all kinds of money and proposing scads of new programs. The parallels are explicit, mentioned, and hopefully will guide the wiser among us to consider treading lightly amidst the current economic troubles.

HAH! I crack myself up sometimes. The government intervention failboat is building up steam to take us off into glorious prosperity amid rainbows and puppies. Right until it sinks and takes what remains of the economy down with it. Hopefully, by then I will be sitting on an even larger pile of guns and ammo and laughing maniacally at the big government types.

I'm also going to take the opportunity for a pre-emptive "told you so". I didn't vote for Obamarama, I don't endorse a single one of his policies I have read about yet, and I don't hold out much hope for anything good to come out of his administration. All you fuckers that voted for him better get used to that phrase, because you'll hear it a lot. Incidentally, here's a handy way to keep score.

While we wait for action on the promises, here's an amusing bludgeoning of Thomas Friedman's new book. It doesn't compare to the rhetorical beatdown Matt Taibbi handed to Friedman last time, but it's still pretty good.

Lose Weight, Chubby

Without going into the entire global warming discussion right now, this site and the little mascot amused me. Why does the mascot wear a measuring tape as a belt? Why does the earth look like it's concerned about its weight and workout routine? What, global warming occurs because Gaia is fat? So slimming down and measuring the equator and working out until she gets a buff six-pack measuring a svelte 22,000 miles in circumference is gonna make the sad polar bears happy?

Damn, but... ah, never mind. Just remember, global warming is the earth getting fat. So go kick the dirt and tell the world what to do.