Chugging Bourbon Straight From The Bottle

So we've at least rid the election of the President of 9/11. That's a bonus, however you look at it. We've also disposed of Fred! and the Biggest Douche in the Universe. So we're left with a fairly dispiriting list of electable candidates.

We've got the whacked out ex-military guy with no understanding of the Constitution and anger management issues along with a tenuous grasp on reality.

We've got Mittens and his Magical Mormon Manpanties. I'd tell you what his positions are on the issues, but until the poll data comes back he won't know.

We've got Clinton II - The Sequel. Spending four years listening to that woman would drive me nuts, and all her policy positions make me want to vote with a .308.

There's the Baptist guy who thinks we need to revise the Constitution to make it more like his version of the bible.

We've also got the brother with the silver tongue. He doesn't say much about his socialism-lite, but he says it very prettily.

Finally, we've got an old Doctor who thinks a variety of things, most unpalatable to the average voter, about the scope and scale of federal government.

Yeah, I think I know what I'll be doing come election night while I wait for the bad news.

GC vs. TS: The Onion is On It

Blah blah blah it has been too long, I'm busy, deal with it.

And yes, I am disgruntled and pissed about the current state of politics. That said, in a November Presidential race where our choices are seemingly a Giant Douche versus a Turd Sandwich, it seems only appropriate that Bullshit is the most important issue for 2008 voters.


Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters

The Onion gets it right again...

Meaty, Bacony Goodness

In my quest to inflict arterial damage on the rest of the world, since medical advice has slowed my propensities towards same, I give you three links.

Allied Kenco has everything you could ever want or need to make sausage except the actual meat. As an added bonus, they're right here in town. Well, that's a bonus for me, anyway. If you don't live in Houston, not so much. You'll have to mail order like everyone else.

I think this would be better if it were on a stick, kind of like a corn dog.

Finally, I am so making some bacon infused vodka. I think that will make fantastic Bloody Marys when mixed with the Stoli pepper vodka.

In other meaty goodness, I am brining a beef for corned beef as I type. 1/2 gallon water, 1 & 1/2 cups salt, 1 tbsp. Penzey's Pickling Spice. Place in gallo ziploc bag with 5 pound boneless chuck roast. Place in fridge. Wait a week. Smoke to taste. I'll let you know next week how it is. It turned out well last time, so hopefully no issues this time around.

Queblowme

This is the funniest Achewood in quite some time. Remember, flip-tops are evil and not to be trusted.

Quick Minute of Health Paranoia

Drink up, bitches!

Ditech Is Staffed By Idiots

A rather strong claim, I know. My evidence? In the middle of the current sub-prime mortgage meltdown, Ditech (or GMAC, the parent company) is running ads trying to convince people to re-fi, take out equity, and get a credit card in what they call their Triple Threat Option or some such nonsense. The tagline they're using in the ad campaign?

People Are Smart

I would think the sub-prime mortgage catastrophe currently taking Ditech's industry into the bowels of hell would be all the proof somebody would need to realize that in fact, most people are morons. For further evidence, see the whole of recorded history. I certainly don't want to trust my finances to any company so clueless. I wish Ditech luck, as every day people are demonstrating beyond any hope of refutation their slogan is wrong. Maybe they should bring Ned back...

Dead Celebrities

So, some guy that was in a movie or two died yesterday. Aside from the strains of Bad Company’s Shooting Star that keep playing in the back of my head, it hasn’t affected my life too much. The primary exception is my inability to find out what else is going on in the world because half the coverage is about the dead guy. The amount of energy being expended on the news baffles me. Yes, it’s sad in an abstract way, but people die. Roughly 151,000 of them kick off every day, in fact. Can somebody explain to me why his death is any more important than the other 150,999? If, as I suspect, it isn't more important, can we shut up about it? Thanks.

Electoral College Math

GWA.45 pointed out this excellent article about why the Electoral College is important. The whole thing is worth a read, but I’ll give you the 20 second summary.

Without the Electoral College, New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Houston and the other major urban areas would decide who the President is.

Sunday Strangeness

As we were preparing to leave on Sunday morning, some Koreans knocked on the door wanting to talk about religion. J handled the whole exchange, which included the fascinating tidbit that the deity of Christianity was also female and was the Divine Mother as well. Both J and I were previously unaware of this interesting fact, it somehow having slid by us in all our religious studies. I suppose these folks belong to the Church of the Holy Hermaphrodite.

Gun Show Disappointment

The HGCA show at Reliant was a bit of a disappointment. I was looking for three things, and none of them were available. Well, I was looking for a bipod for the Savage and that was sort of available. Only one vendor had one that wasn’t rail mounted. He was nice enough to tell me it was a Chinese knockoff of the Harris. Not exactly a selling point, buddy. I’ll buy cheap Chinese tools from Harbor Freight for one-off projects, but given that I expect to have this rifle for the next 20+ years I’m not slapping junk accessories on it that I’ll have to replace later. I ended up ordering one from Midway when I got home.

Of course, we spent a good chunk of the morning at Cadillac Bar’s Sunday brunch. $2.50 a Bloody Mary! Woo hoo! So we didn’t get to Reliant until 3 pm, which may have cut down on my selection. A number of vendors were already shutting down. Next time I’ll have to make it out earlier.

Condiment

This is quite possibly my favoritest new condiment. It goes good on bison burger, steak, Spam, cheese pizza, and many other dishes. I heartily recommend it.

Austinitis

I was listening to Dan Patrick on the radio the other day when he made a statement which convinced me, beyond any possible doubt, he has become infected with whatever the hell is in the water at the Legislature.

He made a comment about how there were so many bills and so much to be done that Texas needed a full-time Legislature. Well. There goes all your conservative street cred, Dan.

If you ignuts in the Lege can't get your business accomplished in the allotted time, maybe y'all are trying to do too much. It's called priorities, Dan. Figure out what are essential government functions and work on those.

Full-time legislature, my ass. Texas needs that like we need another hurricane.

Gadget Geekery

My PDA is officially no longer supported. So in my quest for a replacement, I have been eyeing smartphones. I think the AT&T Tilt is the winner there.

However, what I really want is one of these. I'm having issues justifying it to myself. It's really freaking cool, though. Not nearly as cool, but almost as useful, is the Asus eee. It also has the added bonus of being just over a third the price of the Samsung. I could, in theory, get a dumb phone and the Asus and come out about the same in terms of the price. What to do, what to do...

Posse Comitatus and the Constitution

Posse comitatus has popped up over the past few days in two different forums. I'm going to address something I've seen which irritates the hell out of me. Some people are under the misconception that the prohibition enacted in the Posse Comitatus Act (18 USC 1385) has some grand constitutional basis. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The Constitution nowhere addresses the issue of using the military domestically for any purpose. The principles behind the Posse Comitatus Act are not enshrined in the Constitution and inviolate against all comers. The prohibition against the use of the military in domestic law enforcement is, as I just linked, a part of the US Code. If the Congress decides to change, revoke, or otherwise invalidate the relevant section of US Code, they are free to do so. People need to quit acting like the Posse Comitatus Act is anything other than current law. Laws can be changed quite easily.

Whether or not the law should be changed is a different kettle of fish entirely.

Ding Dong!

Phillip Agee is dead. I can't say I'll shed any tears over his passing. He decried the loathsome acts of one government only to switch to aiding and abetting governments whose acts were even more loathsome.

I'm not naive enough to think the US government is innocent, blameless, and always right. I find it difficult to believe that anyone whose disgust with what the CIA was doing in the 50s and 60s led them straight to the Soviets and the Cubans is acting of principle. Pique, maybe, but not principle. Somehow, those who spend the majority of their time criticizing Western democracies for their supposed sins against humanity turn a blind eye to those same sins when committed by any other government.

In any event, I would find it a grand cosmic joke if he were to spend eternity in Lubyanka prison enjoying the tender mercies of the KGB. It would give him some time to reflect on whether or not his second allegiance a was any better or worse than his first one.

Shenanigans

So the claims against the government for Katrina have officially reached the "fucking absurd" level. Previously, we were at "goddamned stupid". Even leaving out the asinine git who thought that $3 quadrillion was even a number that made sense, there's way too much money being claimed. $14 trillion is greater than the US gross domestic product, and for that kind of money, I could drain the Louisiana swamps, turn the place into Disney World, give everybody in Louisiana and Mississippi a new house, and still have money left to give hookers and blow to every elected official on the Gulf Coast. Plus, I could profit tidily from skimming off the top to the point my descendants wouldn't have to work until the sun goes dark.

I hope all you people in North Dakota (all 6 of you) and the rest of the country appreciate having to pay for generations of Gulf Coast residents refusing to understand the weather. However much the fed doles out, it's too much.

Buckle Up!

It is vitally important to make sure your possessions are safe in the untimely event of a car accident. I'm sure the police and EMTs appreciated this man's thoughtfulness afterwards.

Who Wants to Be a Candidate?

So the primary ballot is out for the Harris County GOP. I’ll skip the big race at the top, the one with Alan Keyes… wait, what? Alan Keyes? How’d that happen? What is this, 2000?

Anyhow, moving down to the CD 22 race, here’s the final list of candidates:

• Pete Olson
• John Manlove
• Jim Squier
• Shelley Sekula Gibbs
• Brian Klock
• Ryan Rowley
• Kevyn Bazzy
• Robert Talton
• Cynthia Dunbar
• Dean Hrbacek

My response to most of the names above is a befuddled: who the fuck? However, most of them have websites or contact information. If you’re really curious, you can go check it out. I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict a win by the Pinkster. It comes down to her or Talton, and I think she has better name recognition across the entire district. I think Jim Squier might have a chance. He put out a couple of good songs in the 80s, but he has to make people forget about that horrible hairdo he had back then. I’m not sure how the whole former rock star thing is going to play in this district… what’s that? My sources inform me I’m thinking of Billy Squier, not Jim. Ignore that last bit. Cynthia Dunbar has nothing up yet, but is on the State Board of Education. One source of questionable reliability says she's Cato Institute oriented, but I have my doubts.

I’m gonna stick with my prediction that Pinky takes the nod after March 4^th, depressing as that may be.

Idiots Out Wandering Around Vote

So, does one vote in a caucus? I really can’t tell. Anyhow, the nice people at MSNBC had the first decent breakdown I could find of the results.

On the efenant side:

• Huckabee 34%
• Romney 25%
• Thompson 13% (15,521 votes)
• McCain 13% (15,248)
• Paul 10%
• Giuliani 3%
• Hunter 0% (515 votes statewide)

On the donk side:

• Obama 38%
• Edwards 30%
• Clinton 29%
• Richardson 2%
• Biden 1%
• Dodd 1%

I, of course, have grand thoughts on what it all means. On the efenant side, Giuliani is gonna be done if he can’t pull some better numbers in NH. I will shed no tears. Giuliani is a repulsive little wanna-be tinpot dictator. The only way he should be in the White House is on a tour. From these results, the nomination comes down to Romney or Thompson. McCain is unelectable, in my opinion. Enough of the base loathes him to make it a long shot at best. Hunter always was unelectable, as is Paul, although I’m still voting for the doctor. Huckabee is frankly a fluke, because as everybody and their dog has pointed out by now, he is not a conservative in any meaningful sense of the word. He’s a big government evangelical. He will also get beat like a drum if he gets the nomination.

On the donk side, coming in third has to hurt Hilary. The fact that Edwards came in second suggest some interesting things to me about Iowa politics, but nationally I don’t see him doing well. It may be that Obama gets the nod. I don’t know if he can win. I still think a lot of people are not ready to vote for a black president. I’m not ready to vote for a pandering socialist who wants to expand the power and scope of the government, so that scuttles me voting for anybody on the donk side. Actually, it knocks out most of the efenant side as well.

Shitty election season all the way around for people like me. But then, they usually are.

1892

It's the anniversary of the birth of J. R. R. Tolkien. Go read something in the fantasy genre published after 1955. I can say, without any fear of contradiction, that Tolkien had some effect on the work. There's not a whole lot of authors that influence everything following them.

Holidaze

So, as promised, the update on the non-frying turkey fryer. I’m going to have to say it works very well. It doesn’t quite get you the crispy texture of a fried turkey, but it comes pretty close. It also leaves the interior nice and moist, which I usually find fried turkeys to be lacking. Of course, I brine my turkeys overnight before doing anything with them. I also inject them in key strategic spots with whiskey (JD or Maker’s, whichever bottle is closest). It’s not as quick as the frying, but doesn’t take an extraordinarily long time.

I received for Christmas a Brinkmann electric smoker, so the enabling continues. I fired up the Brinkmann, but it wasn’t working fast enough, so I had to transfer the turducken in question elsewhere for cooking. The Brinkmann looks like it would be nice, as you don’t have to constantly add charcoal and check on it.

I now have more ways and devices to cook outside than I do inside. This is especially bizarre for someone who doesn’t go outdoors much, except to cook and call the dog. A quick recap for the latecomers:

• One gas grill with rotisserie and side burner
• One Weber charcoal kettle grill
• One charcoal tower smoker*
• One electric smoker*
• One oil-less turkey fryer*
• Two burner propane cart*
• Single propane burner

All items marked with asterisks were given to me by my mother-in-law. She takes much vicarious enjoyment from my outdoor cooking.

Anyhow, much gifting and festivities occurred over the holiday season. We gave out a case of liters of vodka over the holidays as gifts. Yes, you look like an alcoholic when you’re buying case quantities and spending over $500 at the liquor store. Best gift received? Probably the X-Box 360 Elite my lovely wife gave me. It is, at least according to Microsoft, the most amazing product ever or some such nonsense.

Inane Comment

I frankly find the whole Iowa caucus thing somewhat stupid for a number of reasons:

• Who cares what people in Iowa think?
• Why a caucus? Can't you idiots vote like normal , decent, god -fearing Americans?
• Seriously, who fucking cares what some corn farmer in a state with half an electoral college vote thinks? I think my dog has a more of an effect on the outcome of the presidential election than Iowa, and he doesn't even vote.
  

Anyhow, if you participate in a caucus, does that make you a caucusian?